


Midnight Train

by Dream_state



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: F/M, Lara Jean has a secret, Multi, Slow Burn, lara Jean is oblivious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2020-10-27 06:47:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20756078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dream_state/pseuds/Dream_state
Summary: Lara Jean and Peter reconnect on a train in the middle of the night. Lara Jean has a secret though, which he figures out pretty fast. Then it basically just becomes a slow-burn because Lara Jean will forever be oblivious.





	1. Chapter 1

Riding the train at night seemed like some sort of alternate universe.

Riding the train _alone _at night was a whole different experience on its own.

Lara Jean had just gotten off the graveyard shift at the 24 hour bakery she works at. (I know, _24 hours _, it’s absolutely insane!) Her only mode of transportation - in her budget - is by train, which isn’t a problem for her at all. She’s always meeting new people on the rails of New York, and she can confidently say she’s conquering this Big City. 

She had just gotten onto the Orange train, settling herself in for a long ride to 145th st B, when someone familiar sulks aboard. The man slumps down in the seat diagonal to her by a couple of chairs and looks at his phone, sighing defeatedly before dropping his head on the window behind him. Lara Jean couldn’t help but notice how distraught this strange man was; and how _familiar _he was. 

Though, she pulls her gaze, focusing back onto the contents of her bag, trying to find her earphones. _For the love of all that is good and holy, I know they’re here some- _. Lara Jean’s thoughts are interrupted by a familiar, “Covey? Lara Jean Song-Covey, is that _really _you?”

She freezes, because she _knows _that voice. She could never forget that voice.

She looks up at the man again, a mixture of surprise and joy evident on his face as he starts to stand up. The looks start to register in her mind, and she gets a clear view of his eyes. And, _of course _, the eyes. His eyes never changed, even through college, even that fateful day when they parted paths for the last time, even now, looking at her with such amusement, which could only be brought on by her current expression.

“Peter Kavinsky?” She almost breathes out. But she doesn’t, she says it loud enough for him to hear as he makes his way over to her, nodding his head as a big grin breaks through his strained features.

Her earphones are all but forgotten as he takes a seat next to her, sighing as he drops his items onto the seat next to him. Lara Jean is still a little dumbfounded, and catches herself staring at him for a second. She looks away, blinking a few times before getting a hold of herself and letting out a breathy laugh.

“Peter Kavinsky. How have you been?” They do an awkward side hug and she readjusts herself so she’s fully facing him. _Well, he aged well._


	2. The Kid of My Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get to meet Nicky.

They start to catch up.  _ Really  _ catch up.

After their break up senior year of college, Lara Jean kind of blocked him on everything and deleted his number. Don’t get her wrong, the breakup was mutual and there were  _ no  _ hard feelings, she just couldn’t risk it.

She couldn’t risk him finding out.

He tells her about his job as a recruiter for a hiring-assistance firm. How they’ve been working him to the bone, giving him barely enough for rent in his two-bedroom near Van Cortlandt Park. How his boss has been giving him shit all week because he’s in a slump and not bringing anyone in. 

She tells him about working as head baker in a 24 hour bakery. The new recipes she’s learned, the friends she’s made, and the one customer at 3 am that was such a pain in the ass, when he left she shot the most menacing glare she could muster at the time. He listens, gives feedback, and before they know it, Lara Jean’s stop is the next one.

“Oh, crap! I need to find my keys before my stop comes.”

His eyebrows scrunch up, looking at the overhead monitor to see which stop is next.

“Hey, before you go; you still got the same number?”

She freezes for the shortest of seconds, her face going white and her keys forgotten.

She mumbles into her bag, “Um, yeah. I do.”

She can hear the contact between his scarf and his jacket as he nods his head.

“Oh, okay. It’s just, back then it sort of stopped working for me. I could never really figure out why.”

_ He’s lying. He knows she blocked him. On everything.  _

She lets out a nervous chuckle, going back to search for her keys as she says, “Oh okay. I’ll check that out on my end. Do you still have the same number?”

“Yeah, I do.”

She finally finds her keys, and turns around, a bright smile on her face. Or, well, as bright as it can be at 5:30 am on a Saturday.

“Okay,” she chirps, “I’ll text you.”

Before he can say anything else, the train skids to a halt, and the doors open with a  _ fwoosh _ . She jumps up, giving him one last wave before making her way out of the train car and up the steps to the street.

———

The whole way home she panicks.

_ How could I be so  _ stupid _ ! “ _ I’ll text you _ ” are you  _ kidding  _ me?! What if he wants to come over? What if he wants me to come over? What happens if we get close again? Why do I feel so giddy inside? I’ve never done something so  _ stupid _ ! God, Chris and Maggie are going to  _ kill  _ me. _

———

She makes it back to the small three bedroom brownstone she rents with Chris and her wife Maggie, unlocking the door and announcing in a posh British accent, “Nicky, mother beloved has arrived. You have been  _ summoned _ !”

She knows he’ll be awake by now. He’s always been an early bird, waking up even earlier when she’s not home during the night. She hears the pitter-patter of small feet coming down the steps before being jumped by a three-and-a-half-foot mass of curly hair.

“Mommy!” He yells as she’s overcome with giggles. 

She gives him a bear hug, picking him up and walking over to the kitchen to set him down on the counter.

“So, tell me about Friday. Did the kids like the brownies I made.”

He rolls his eyes, a side smile on his face as he sighs, “Yeah. Your brownies are the  _ bestest  _ in the  _ whole  _ world.”

She gives a satisfactory nod, trying to flick her bobbed hair back in a gloating way. He laughs at her attempt, it coming out all bubbly and child-like. She shakes him by his sides, which just makes him laugh harder, and asks, “So, what about the pizza? Was it good? And your classmates, were they nice? What about the games, fun or a snore-bore?”

Before he can answer, Chris comes tumbling down the stairs in a sports bra and tiny shorts saying, “Stop giving the kid the third degree, it’s not even seven.”

She passes by, ruffling his hair and pinching his nose, before going to the fridge to take out a moon pie.

Nicky and Lara Jean look at each other, both with scrunched up noses, and look back at her. She’s on her second bite before she notices, choking out a, “What?” around the moon pie.

“How could you eat that first thing in the morning?” Lara Jean asks. “Aren’t yogis supposed to be healthy?”

She shrugs, moving to stuff the rest of the thing in her mouth, which makes Nicky giggle into his hands.

Lara Jean smacks the counter beside him, saying, “Okay, who wants an  _ actual  _ breakfast? I brought back enough muffins to survive the apocalypse.” She pulls out a bag full of muffins and hands a chocolate chip one to Nicky and a blueberry one to Chris.

Nicky asks for a glass of water, and as Chris heads over to the fridge with a tumbler in hand, she asks, “What would I do without you and your baked goods?”

“Probably die.” Lara Jean responds. 

Chris nods in agreement before going to sit on a stool across from Nicky’s back, pulling him to the center of the island and turning him around to give him the glass of water.

“So, kiddo, what’s on the to-do list today?”

He looks up for a second, before swallowing his bite and saying, “Mags and I are gonna go to the park so mommy can sleep. Then come to the shop-“

Chris corrects him. “Studio.”

He stops, repeats the word quietly to himself, then reiterates, “Then come to the studio so you me and Mags can go to lunch. And then mommy and I are going to go to the big store so she can get a hundred million billion presents for grandpa’s birthday. And  _ then  _ mommy is gonna get my Halloween costume!”

“That sounds like a lot of fun!” Nicky nods matter-of-factly. “Where do you wanna go for lunch?”

He shrugs his shoulders, taking another bite of his muffin before Maggie says, “Maybe we should take him to that new burger truck that’s off Wall st. Those burgers are really good.” from the top of the stairs.

Chris looks at Nicky and shrugs. “If you’re down I’m down.”

Nicky nods vehemently, and Lara Jean can already tell how excited he is for a burger this afternoon.

Maggie greets Chris with a peck on the lips, and Nicky with a peck on the cheek before tugging Lara Jean’s ponytail and saying, “‘mornin Jeans. You wanna get Nicks ready or should I?”

Maggie has a nickname for everyone except Chris. Lara Jean’s is “Jeans” because the first time they met, she was wearing jeans and Maggie thought that was cool. She calls Nicky “Nicks” because they always watch basketball together, and they always root for the Nicks.

“You should probably do it. I’m pooped and I don’t want Nicky to get the wrong impression. Oh, by the way, there are muffins in the bag, help yourself. Consider it a thank you.”

She glances at the muffins before saying, “No need to thank me. I love that kid. Helping him get ready is just practice for life later on.” She smiles before gliding over to the bag, pulling out a banana nut muffin and taking a big bite.

“Okay Nicky, mommy’s off to sleep.” She goes over to kiss his forehead and hug him. “Mommy loves you.”

-tbc-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! The amount of comments I got asking for a slow burn made me tear up. I appreciate every comment and read them over and over again because I just love them and you guys so much. THANK YOU for the support, it’s what keeps me going.
> 
> More next week ;)


	3. The Waves Bring Clarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go down. People are enlightened.

Lara Jean wakes up to the sound of laughter and a door slamming.

She drags herself out of bed, picking out a pair of jeans and a turtleneck to wear to Bloomingdales. She jumps into the shower, washing her hair with the same coconut shampoo she’s been using for years before getting out and getting dressed. She blow dries her hair, letting Nicky watch as he listens to music blasting from her tiny speaker and comments on anything and everything.

Before they leave, Lara Jean has a snack while Nicky is watching cartoons. During said snack, she calls Chris and Maggie into the kitchen to tell them about this morning.

“So, why are we here?” Chris asks, a bored look on her face.

“Babe, don’t be rude. It’s obviously important because she’s doing that thing where she bites her lip  _ and  _ nail at the same time. So, what is it?” Maggie gives her an encouraging smile.

“I saw Peter this morning. And sorta told him I would text him.”

Chris chokes on the apple slices she stole from Lara Jean and Maggie just looks confused.

“Who’s Peter?” Maggie asks, looking frantically between Lara Jean and Chris, who’s trying to compose herself as to not alert Nicky.

“Peter is Nicky’s biological father.” Lara Jean says, biting her thumbnail even harder. “And I never really told him  _ about  _ Nicky.”

“Why didn’t you tell him about his  _ child _ ?!” Maggie says, her eyes bugging out.

“I didn’t tell him because we just broke up the week before I found out and I didn’t want to seem like that desperate ex trying to get her old boyfriend back by crying the  _ ultimate  _ wolf. I- and I mean I was  _ going  _ to tell him when Nicky was born but then I saw that he had a girlfriend or something back then because he posted a photo with a girl and the caption had a heart and I was all over the place with hormones so I just blocked him andkindaforgotaboutit.”

Lara Jean finishes her word-vomit with the in between of a grimace and a smile, looking at Chris, then Maggie, and then back at Chris.

They both stay silent, Chris looking at Maggie to gage her opinion on the whole thing.

“ _ So _ , what do I  _ do _ .” Lara Jean asks. Impatiently.

Chris shrugs and says, “I think you should have told him almost four years ago like I told you to. At the time.”

Lara Jean glares while saying through gritted teeth, “I  _ told  _ you why I didn’t do it.”

“Plus, Nicky is starting to ask questions. “ _ Who’s my daddy? _ ”, “ _ Where do babies come from? _ ”, “ _ Can I see pictures of my daddy? _ ”. He’s starting to become more and more curious with each day we get closer to his birthday. And  _ now  _ he’s starting to ask if we can invite Peter to our Halloween party next week. I don’t even know what to say, so I usually distract him with sweets or TV. Is that bad?”

Chris sucks her lips in between her teeth so she looks like a cartoon grandma. Then says, “We  _ weren’t  _ supposed to show him pictures of Peter?”

Lara Jean’s jaw goes slack.

“You showed him  _ pictures _ . From how long ago?”

“Don’t worry.” Chris waves her hands in the air. “They were from ages ago. When we were in middle school. That’s it. And I only showed him one. When he asked. Today.”

“Okay.” Lara Jean nods. “We’ll sort that out later. I just need help with the texting part. Because I said I would text him, but I haven’t yet. And we still need to leave for Bloomingdales, so I don’t have much time.”

Maggie takes a breath in like she’s about to say something, but stops. She blinks twice, then says, “What did you say to him. Word for word.”

“I’ll text you. And then I had to get off the train.”

“Okay,” Maggie nods, “Say, ‘ _ hey, I’m texting you _ ’. It’s flirty, but not flirty enough to give him any idea. Boys are clueless.”

“Okay?” Lara Jean takes out her phone and hands it to Maggie unlocked. Maggie’s fingers move rapid-fire, then hands Lara Jean’s phone to Chris for approval. Chris types something, tilts it to Maggie for a nod of approval, then dramatically hits send.

Lara Jean gets her phone back.

_ Hey, I’m texting you :) _

It’s simple enough, and Lara Jean is so wracked with nerves she decides to put her phone face down so she can  _ not  _ pay attention to how long it takes him to text her back. Maggie and Chris look at each other, then at Lara Jean, then at the phone.

It vibrates no more than ten seconds later.

Maggie and Chris high five, then Maggie grabs the phone, a big smile on her face.

“ _ God _ , I’m good.” Maggie whispers. 

15:27 ** Peter**

_ Hi! I’m glad ur texting me _

Chris snatches the phone from Lara Jean’s hands then types up a text for Maggie to approve then send. Lara Jean doesn’t see it until after it’s sent and Peter is typing back.

_ I’m off to Bloomingdales, talk later? _

Lara Jean doesn’t read what he responds. Just feels the buzz from her purse while on the train with Nicky.

———

When they make it to Bloomingdales Lara Jean is a little preoccupied, looking at her list of potential presents for her father, so she doesn’t notice that Nicky has run off, having already found the glass display full of shiny new watches.

She – stupidly – let go of his hand and put it on her leg to delete a present from her list.

She steps off, and looking down at her phone instinctively says, “Nicky, watch your step.” But when she turns back, Nicky has been replaced with a man around his mid-80s.

“Maxwell, but thank you.” He says in a frail British accent, giving her a warm smile. She smiles back, courteously, hiding the panic that starts to rise in her chest.

“Nicky?” She calls. No answer. Lara Jean looks around almost frantically, trying to get just a glimpse of unruly curls.

She doesn’t. So, she goes the one way she knows his almost four year old brain would be drawn to. The first shiny thing she spots. The watch counter.

She walks over with purpose, slightly hunched over to see through the glass displays, and starts whisper-screaming Nicky’s name. There is no response, of course, so she starts to listen. Anything, even the mention of the number 100 million — he’s been really obsessed with that number lately. 

She starts to wander aimlessly, searching for anything before going to someone and making a commotion. She  _ knows  _ kids get abducted every day, but she doesn’t want to think about that right now.

Though, when she’s just about to go up to someone who’s working behind the counters, she hears a faint giggle that sounds all too familiar. Now, she’s gone into full Mom Mode. Her phone buzzes, but she doesn’t notice as she storms down the walkway towards the all-too-familiar laugh until it gets louder and louder.

Then she stops in her tracks. She doesn’t know whether to be horrified or relieved. Nicky is okay, but he’s taking selfies with none other than Peter Kavinsky. And then her phone buzzes. Again.

She looks down; it’s a text from Peter, with an image attached. She opens her phone and clicks on the image. It’s a picture of Peter and Nicky smiling at each other. And then another – shaky – one of them laughing

14:18  **Peter**

_ Found this kiddo in BDs _

14:18  **Peter**

_ Keeps sayin I’m his dad _

14:18  **Peter**

_ Think I might keep him _

Lara Jean grimaces.  _ Chris definitely lied _ .

She would deal with that later. First, she needed to find a way out of this.

She starts to text Peter back.

_ This is gonna be really weird bu _ -

“Alright kiddo,” Peter starts, “Let’s go find your mommy. What’s her name?”

Lara Jean’s head flies up just as Nicky says, “Lara Jean Song Covey.” He finishes with a wide grin on his face as the grin on  _ Peter’s  _ face fades a bit into confusion. It’s so painfully obvious that Lara Jean just wants to hide behind the perfume stand she’s next to and wait until they disappear in a different direction.

But, Satan has other plans for her. And she suddenly felt that familiar tingle in her nose right before she sneezes.

Then she sneezes. Really. Fucking.  _ Loud _ .

Standing next to cheap perfume wasn’t her greatest idea.

-tbc-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooo sorry for the late update :/ I feel rly bad but schools been beating me up. Next update is Next Tuesday ;)


	4. Hear Me Out Tonight

Nicky and Peter’s heads whip in her direction and Lara Jean and Peter make direct eye contact.

“Mommy!” Nicky practically screams. He violently waves his hand side-to-side, keeping one arm wrapped around Peter’s neck to steady himself.

Peter’s face screams  we need to talk  all over it as he lets Nicky down to run towards Lara Jean.

She rips her eyes from his to catch Nicky.

“Hey baby, are you okay.” She crouches down to squeeze him tight, thankful he’s okay. “Nicholas, you can’t run away from mommy, okay? I got  really  scared. You got it?” She holds his cheeks in the palms of her hands, looks into his eyes, and uses his full name, making sure he knows just how serious she is.

She’s completely forgotten about Peter.

“Okay.” Nicky says, a small - guilty - smile on his face. “I’m sorry. But, look! I found my daddy!”

She looks up, and sees Peter towering over the both of them. It makes Lara Jean uncomfortable, so she stands and picks Nicky up with her.

“Hey. Can we… talk?” Peter looks around cautiously, making sure no one is eavesdropping.

“He’s just confused Peter. There’s nothing to talk about.” Lara Jean doesn’t look him in the eye.

“Mommy?” Nicky grabs her face by her cheeks and puts them nose-to-nose. Lara Jean can’t help but smile. “Can daddy come with us? He can help me choosing my costume.”

“Baby, Peter came here by himself, so he probably has some things to do. I don’t think it’s a great idea.” Lara Jean looks at Peter, more somewhere over his shoulder, and gives him a pleading look.

“Nah. I didn’t come here for anything important, so I’ve got time to kill. I like this kid.” He smiles at Nicky, and Nicky smiles back, wriggling out of Lara Jean’s arms to hold Peter and Lara Jean’s hands with his own.

Lara Jean could  feel  the “ our kid ” he intended to say.

He starts pulling, and Lara Jean picks him up. “Come on Nicky.”

Nicky starts to whine, getting louder and reaching for Peter the farther they walk away. She stops, turns around, then says, reluctantly, “Take him. I don’t want people to think I’ve abducted him or something.”

Peter takes him, and he stops whining instantaneously. Lara Jean rolls her eyes and shakes her head, really regretting letting go of his hand.

———

Lara Jean unlocks the door to the house, and runs in to loudly whisper, “We saw Peter at Bloomingdales!”

Chris turns around while Maggie whispers back, “Why are we whispering?”

A faint, “yello?” Comes from the foyer, and they all turn to see Peter walk in with Nicky in his arms.

“That’s why.” Chris says, pointing at Peter, holding a sleeping Nicky.

“Kiddo didn’t want me to leave and fell asleep on the walk over.” Peter shrugs. “Is there somewhere I should put him.”

“Lara Jean can show you!” Maggie perks up. A welcoming smile on her face.

No one has ever seen her smile like that. Not even Chris. It’s scary, and unlike Maggie.

Maggie stands up and pushes both Peter and Lara Jean towards the steps, keeping her tight smile, and waits until they’re halfway up to disappear to the sitting room.

———

On their way up towards Nicky’s room, Peter quietly says, “Are you done with the lying now? Because I sure as hell am.”

She looks up at him, pointing left, then says, “Look, there’s no need for cursing and barely any for explanation. Plus, I’m not doing this with Nicky or my roommates in any sort of proximity where they can hear.”

She opens Nicky’s door and Peter goes in to set Nicky down on his bed. He stirs a bit before Peter puts the comforter over him and brushes a lock of curly hair from his forehead. Then turns around to face Lara Jean again.

“I saw a tiny cafe about two blocks from here.”

“No way. Not in public.” Lara Jean shakes her head.

“Why are you so adamant about this Lara Jean? If this kid is actually my child, I want to be in his life.” Peter’s brow is creased and he has his hands behind his head like he’s tired.

“Peter, you  have to  understand, please, that maybe we don’t have room in our lives for you… right now. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. Trust me, I didn’t plan it, but it is how it is for a reason.”

He looks hurt. Like Lara Jean just told him his puppy died hurt.

“So, you think I might turn into my dad? Is that what it is? Okay, got it. I’ll see you when I see you.”

Lara Jean is so taken aback she can only muster out a, “Peter, no-“ before he walks out saying, “Tell the kid I said bye.”

———

The front door closing is what brings her out of her state of shock. She looks back at Nicky, still fast asleep and blissfully ignorant, and walks over to kiss him on the forehead.

She whispers, “I’m sorry Nicky. Mommy messed up. Big time.”

Then she walks down the stairs to face Chris and Maggie.

Chris is first, sitting in the breakfast nook.

“Dude, what the  fuck ? Why did he walk out like that?”

Lara Jean rubs her eyes, then climbs onto the island to lay down on the cool marble with her legs hanging off. It helps her think.

“I was reluctant to let him get to know Nicky. I didn’t even out and confirm Nicky was his kid, but he definitely knows. Then he thought I thought he was going to turn into his father and walk out if we let him in, and I told him we didn’t have space in our lives for him, and he got all mad and walked away like he usually does so he doesn’t burst. And I can totally see where he’s coming from and I was being a meany so help me please.” She turns around on her stomach, her head resting on her hands, and says, “I  think I want him in Nicky’s life. I  know  Nicky wants him in Nicky’s life. I  know Peter  wants to be in Nicky’s life. I just- I don’t want to do the wrong thing.”

Maggie looks at her with sympathetic eyes. “Lara Jean. All you’re doing is being protective of your child. That’s it. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re just being a mother. And mothers usually know best.”

Chris, surprisingly, nods in agreement and says, “Just… Why don’t you invite him to the Halloween party. A test run, if you will. See how he interacts with other parents, with Nicky, with everyone important in Nicky’s life.”

Maggie nods in agreement. “That’s a good idea Chris. Text him a little later.” She looks at her watch. “Maybe in like, an hour? Let him cool off a bit, also so it doesn’t look like a desperate grab at trying to fix whatever happened.”

“Okay.” Lara Jean sits up. “I can wait an hour.”

———

She texts him 20 minutes later. She thinks an hour is too long.

Hey, we’re having a Halloween party next weekend

It would be really nice if you came

This time, she turns her phone off and starts to make dinner for her and Nicky. Maggie and Chris are out on date night. 

She forgets about her phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is WAYYYYYY late but I’m gonna start posting every day to make up for it :)


	5. Me and My Mistakes

She doesn’t sleep that night.

The weight of guilt on her chest is almost suffocating as she ponders over her choices the past few years. 

Even looking back on this afternoon, she cringes at Peter’s face. There’s anger, she could see it, but it was masked by sadness. Deep, soul-crushing sadness that she never thought would emerge from this.

In all honesty, she thought there would be anger. More yelling, more tears, more upfront rage. She expected to be scowled at, and to have words full of hatred spit at her for what she’s done. But he just… didn’t.

It’s not like he “walked away”, because even Lara Jean knows that he’ll be back to fight for his role as a father.

And Lara Jean wants him to be Nicky’s father.

She looks back at the reasons why she didn’t tell Peter back then, and sees how childish and just downright  _ stupid  _ they were. She was a selfish young adult who didn’t know how to think for something - some _ one _ \- who couldn’t think for themselves, and now it’s blown up in her face.

———

She creeps downstairs, avoiding the creaky step on her way, and snatches her phone from the kitchen island.

No new notifications.

The little  _ read  _ symbol under the two texts she sent him says he acknowledged them about twelve hours ago.

At least he read them.

That’s more than she expected. She expected radio silence. Or screeching feedback. Not an inbetween.

It makes her uncomfortable.

It’s four a.m. and she’s irrational and doesn’t have Chris to talk her out of it and she just needs to see him again.

So she does it.

_ Hey, I know you probably despise me right now but I really think it would be great if we could talk. Chris wants to take Nicky to a new breakfast place out in Manhattan with Maggie so the house would be empty for an adequate amount of time around 11 am. Maybe you could come over? We could talk through things. I could explain. I need to explain. _

_ I WANT to explain. _

_ I’m sorry. _

The read symbol appears immediately.

_ So he’s up too. _

There’s no response afterwards.

———

The next morning Chris, Maggie, and Nicky leave before Lara Jean wakes up.

The house is quiet. Deafeningly quiet.

Lara Jean was never a fan of quiet when she was alone. Especially with her own thoughts.

As she walks down the stairs, she tries to recall when she fell asleep. She remembers staring at her phone for about another half hour before walking back up the stairs, phone in hand.

She’s startled out of her thoughts by a knock at the door.

Which is weird, because the mail doesn’t come on Sundays here.

She pads over to the door, tucking her hair behind her ear and rubbing her burning eyes before turning the doorknob.

She stops breathing when the door creaks open.

Peter is standing there with red, puffy eyes and a deep scowl set on his beautiful face.

“I needed time. But fuck time. I need an explanation more than time.” He grumbles, stepping past Lara Jean before she can invite him in.

She stands at the door for a few more seconds, frozen in shock that he’s actually here.

“Well?” He bursts. He’s never yelled at her like this before. She can see the waves of rage emanating from his body, shaking him in the process.

He’s pulling at his hair, pacing around the sitting room and looking down at the floor, like he’s trying to unscramble his thoughts.

Lara Jean quietly closes the door before starting.

“I just wanna start by saying none of these reasons are excuses for what I did to you. Nothing could be.”

“Damn straight.” He grumbles.

“I’ll start from the beginning. Please, sit down?”

“I would rather not.” He hisses.

There it is. The anger he was hiding yesterday in front of Nicky. Lara Jean could see it, but she’s a little rusty at reading him like she used to. She saw it, but she couldn’t identify it as anger until now, when it’s being thrown at her. Full force.

“Okay. Okay.” She sits on a stool at the island and crosses her legs, pulling her hair out of her face and tying it back.

“It was the week after we broke up-”

He jabs a finger towards her and yells, “ _ You  _ broke it off. Don’t say ‘we broke up’ like  _ I  _ wanted it to happen!”

“I’m sorry.” She nervously tucks the already-loose strands of her hair behind her ear before continuing.

“I had just broken it off. I went home that week, since summer was only a few weeks away. And, honestly, I was a mess. I wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping, was crying on and off. The whole one-two. The only thing I could keep down was the Korean yoghurt smoothies. I couldn’t even keep down the night-night tea my mom used to make me. I would just dry heave until I fell asleep from exhaustion. After about a week of this, daddy took me to the doctor. It was there where they told me I was just entering my second trimester.”

Peter’s jaw tenses. It looks like he might scream. Or cry. Or both.

But Lara Jean continues. He deserves to know.

“Back then, missing a month or two wasn’t a big deal. It’s normal to miss a couple months when you’re stressed. And it was senior year, I was trying to get internships and keep my grades good and juggle all of these extracurriculars. I thought it was just stress.”

Lara Jean rubs her hands over her face as she hears Peter huff and sit down on the couch. Across the room.

“I was getting better. I was starting to smile again, but that news just dragged me back down. That was when it became a full scale depressive episode. I didn’t know what to do. I almost didn’t walk at graduation. The person who snapped me back to reality was Chris. She busted through my bedroom door and said, word for word, ’Get your ass up, pop some prenatals, and get your life moving again.’ She was there to remind me that my life  _ wasn’t  _ in fact over. That’s when things started to turn around. I got back on track, changed my diet, took my prenatal vitamins  _ religiously _ , and stopped thinking about the negatives. Chris reminded me that I couldn’t ruin that baby’s future because of my own selfish wants. She even tried to get me to tell you.”

“So why didn’t you?” Peter yells. “Why didn’t you tell me about our _child_? Why would you keep something like this from me when you, of all people, knew _exactly _how I felt about my father. I told you, I would never treat my kids like he did, and here you are just setting me up for failure.” His voice fades, and suddenly the sadness breaks the anger.

The sadness breaks Lara Jean’s heart.

She can’t help the tears that start streaming down her face as she says, “I didn’t tell you because I was planning on putting Nicky up for adoption.”

Her voice cracks at the thought of not having Nicky.

The look of horror on Peter’s face doesn’t help much either. 

“You were going to give my child up for adoption and not even tell me?” He whispers. Disgust laced through each syllable.

She looks down as she nods, wiping her face with her palms.

“I promise I was going to tell you. Back then, I thought I wouldn’t be able to deal with a mini-you running around. Any memory of you broke my heart all over again. Having a constant reminder of you for the rest of my life without being able to have  _ you _ , it seemed like torture straight from hell. After I decided against adoption, I was going to call you after he was born. Daddy, Margot, Kitty, and Chris all said it was the right thing to do. I was going to do it when I started having contractions, but as soon as I dialed your number my water broke all over my bathroom floor.”

Peter stops pulling his hair as realization crosses his face.

“That’s why you randomly called me a few years ago? What were you gonna say? ‘Hey, I know it’s been almost a year of radio silence, but by the way I’m pregnant and it’s yours and I’m in labor right now. Have a nice life.’? Why didn’t you call me after Nicky was born?”

Lara Jean sighs.

“You’re going to hate me. The reason is stupid and childish and I regret my decision the more I think about it.”

“Instead of saying shit like that can you just spit it out already.” He snaps.

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to be the girl who cried wolf!” She bursts. “We had  _ just  _ broken up and I was a mess. I didn’t want to be that girl who ran back to her ex after breaking up with him with the ultimate excuse. I didn’t want to admit how irresponsible I was to let it happen. I didn’t want to accept my mistakes. I thought I could do it alone. I thought Nicky and I would be fine if it was just the two of us, and not a burden to you. Look at you! You have a job, and a life, and Nicky and I would’ve just held you back from all that you’ve accomplished. You’re  _ thriving _ . I didn’t want my mistake to-”

“Stop referring to Nicky as ‘your’ mistake. It takes two to make a child, Lara Jean. Why did you decide to keep Nicky?” Peter is calmer now. Still angry, but at least the yelling had stopped.

“I don’t think you would want to hear the story.” Lara Jean starts chewing on her thumbnail, a bad habit that she has to kick before Nicky picks it up.

“I deserve to know this. You kept my child’s existence a secret for four years. The least you could do is tell me why you didn’t give him away.”

“Okay. It was the first time I felt him kick.”

Peter flinches.

“I really don’t think I should tell this st-”

“I want to know.” Peter doesn’t meet her eyes. 

“Uhm… it was after my second trimester checkup. Margot, Kitty, Chris and I had just heard his heartbeat for the first time after Margot finally convinced me to listen. I remember her exact words: ‘Lara Jean, you’re creating life. Soak in as much as possible before it’s gone.’ At the time I didn’t want to get too attached before giving him up for adoption. I felt like if I heard his heartbeat I wouldn’t be able to give him up.

“Chris and I were sitting on the loveseat back at home while she was talking about Maggie. Back then, Maggie was just ‘some cute girl from the club’. She was telling me about something she did the night beforehand, and the story was so wild that I poked at my stomach and said, ‘Hear that, your aunt’s a wild child!’ And then, well… he tapped back. It was a little flutter, not in the exact same spot I poked, but close enough to know he was responding.

“I screamed, of course. I had never felt anything like that before. Daddy came sprinting into the room. I poked again, and when nothing happened, I just thought ‘c’mon buddy’. And then it happened again. Trina and Chris both started crying, even daddy was tearing up-”

The screech of the couch across the hardwood floor brings Lara Jean back to reality, only fast enough to see Peter’s silhouette zooming past her.

The only way she really knows he left is the door slamming less than a second later.

Lara Jean wants to run to the door, catch up with him, apologize so profusely that he gets even more sick of her, but she doesn’t. He said he needed space.

She can give him space.

Even if it’s killing her inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I just want to start with apologizing bc I wrote and edited this in two days so it might be a little crap. I also want to thank all of you for your comments and suggestions, especially SK. You helped me realize I was missing a vital part in the story, so this chapter is for you… I guess. I write for everyone, but I would just like to extend a formal thank you for giving me the inspiration for this chapter. :)
> 
> To everyone, pls keep commenting, I love your suggestions and notes :))


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